Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
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