I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I turned on Elf, made myself a mojito, and am eating one of a sleeve of Ritz. You tell me if I wanna go out tonight.
Randomize
