my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
I'm in the middle no shirt white shorts humping the white dustbuster next to the guy shooting off the tazer infront of the two guys humping on the bicycle
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm not the one who gave a guy that lives next door to my grandmother a blowjob in a pub bathroom in Ireland, you have no room to judge.
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You cuddled up under the blanket because you said it smelled like Santa and vodka.
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