dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Come on, it shouldn't be that hard NOT to suck someone's dick
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
Apparently this establishment won't let you rent a sailboat if you have been drinking rum all morning
Like, bro, how do you think I got the idea to go sailing
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
