I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
