im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Just mixed Baileys and yoohoo. I feel like an alchoholic 2nd grader.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Everytime I try to keep track of the amount of people I slept with I always forget about that guy I met on the dc metro, where I woke up to him organizing his Special K and Molly and I was covered in sleeping cats.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
I like it here so far, only people are a lot less accepting of my terrible decisions and it's cramping my style
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
duddde i wasn't even home last night and someone elses clothes are on my floor and there glow sticks everywhere?!
Randomize
