Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
She has never blacked out. I have tried to get her to so many times. Apparently it's a lot harder than we make it out to be.
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
I did put on a shirt to start the night, right?
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