I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Can't show you right now as we are in public and he refuses to let me photograph his penis in a bar.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
2013: the year of legs covered in hair and pregnancy scares.
I'm pretty sure my munchies are the only reason Good and Plenty is still around
I am praying to every god I can that he drank so much that he won't even remember me
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
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