SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
She was throwing my stuff away and then before I knew it she was sucking my dick. It was like some fucked up sour patch kids commercial
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I creeped him on fb. I'm about 90% sure I just blew him in the same tux he wore for his wedding..
Well I took a spicy wing shit in a field this morning.
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
This is your post bachelor party survival text. This a free and complementary service to make sure you are still alive. For alive, say yes. For hurting, say ugh. If lost, say help. If dead, please feel free to not respond. Thank you and we hope you enjoyed the party.
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