if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?
Guess who's still drunk but on time to court to represent a DUI?
You are my hero
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
I think the guy I was trying to dance with was an undercover cop...
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
