I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
Dude!! Mom just asked me why you have 'boobies' hahaha
I hate my life
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
WHERE THE FUCK'S MY FUCKING RITALIN YOU FUCKING FASCIST?????
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
So, I think my BF has slept with several of our sorority sisters
Well, now that you know, yes he has. We didn’t say anything because you seemed so happy. He’s a great guy and none of us have any hard feelings, but yeah, we’re all very familiar with his penis and it’s talents
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