I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
The number of times I've puked in the Walgreens bathroom is becoming way too many for my pride.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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