Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
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