why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Please dont use Danity Kane lyrics to describe your emotions.
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
not ubering you a puppy
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
Is there a reason why your pubic hair is a plastic bag on my bathroom floor? And yes I know its yours... You wrote your name on the bag
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