I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
The Easter dress struggle is real
Yep. Just had to pull mine off to puke.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
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