So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
Indeed. The kind of morning where puking in someone's shoes is not frowned upon
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
He rubbed aloe on my sunburn while I blew him... could he be anymore perfect?
It's the eve of Christ's birthday and I'm sending pictures of my tits
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
Just in case you forgot, you puked all over your boss house, pissed on his coffee table, and were then thrown out by his wife
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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