Tell me why I go to the dollar store for nail polish remover and a ghetto black dude trys to hit on me in the parking lot, then he gets in line behind me with a dousche bag literally and that is his only purchase.
I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
My ex just called and told me that he is on his way to the hospital because he popped a vein in his dick. Should I go to the ER with him or class?
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Every single person in NY is either baking, drinking, or photographing their cat. Reporting live from Instagram.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Its honestly only a matter of time before I punch him in the face... I'll try to control myself until you guys break up
I'm finally in my bed, my pants are off, and there's no pee on my carpet this is the best life has been all day
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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