Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
Please show REO speedwagon ur boobs for me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
Does your balding hurt less when a 19 year old holds your hand?
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
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