I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
That was a long time ago. She needed the money.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
Randomize
