I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.
My right arm is handcuffed to my leg... Please help.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Guess who used an inflatable mattress to boat across a retention pond with brooms for oars and a radio and beer.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
I wish they would just make alcoholic protein shakes already.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
Randomize
