How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I'm still trying to figure out who shit on the coffee table. I have confirmed beyond a reasonable doubt that it wasn't me.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
