I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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