I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Its a long story, but I have superglue on my tongue
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.
she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
He keeps bees of course he's weird
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
I caught myself caressing my own hand while nurturing a glass of bourbon. I think it's time to get back out there.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
Randomize
