My hand turned me down
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
Way too stoned bro. Was laying down on my back and thought for a good 30 mins what it would be like to be a turtle stuck on its shell
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
Randomize
