Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
They're re-releasing Titanic in 3-D. Can I interest you in a joint venture to create the greatest drinking game of all time? I think yes
Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.
I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Randomize
