this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
How many hotdogs are you going to eat today?
THE LIMIT DOES NOT EXIST
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
