i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
Yeah bunch of crazy shit... Makes you wonder how anyone found someone before tinder
I still have a little drunk in my system
I don't care what you say about him, his cock is the stuff dreams are made of.
Well if YOU HAVE TO KNOW, we're laying across the street from the bar on that grassy hill trying to see who's she's with at the bar.
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
The cops high fived after they tackled you
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
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