Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
Not my type. One of those types that loves that they're educated, could drink their red wine and have an intellectual conversation and have a wonderful time
An adult?
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
100 proof captain the only man who can make me strip during a snowstorm
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
Randomize
