I plan on putting pajamas back on after I shower. Today is going to be awesome.
only you would photoshop your dick
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
Apparently I told a girl last night, that's she's super beautiful and I don't want to fuck she just deserves being eaten out
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Bouncer came into the bathrooms to tell us the old one-person-per-stall rule, realised it was two girls banging, and left us to it. Lesbiperks.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
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