I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Godddamnit i jsu woke up in oharee. My connecxtion left an hro ago. Thosse flight atttendants can DRinK
I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I didnt realize until i got your email that what i've been missing in my life is someone to send me dog gifs
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
SO AWKS THEY ARE HAVING A COUPLE FIGHT AND I JUST WANT PIZZA
let’s face it, me joining a co-ed soccer league is like, 33% motivated by my crotch seeking a healthy outlet
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Side piece definitely knows about my GF. Said it was sexy when I go commando, then left me pantsless in the club bathroom
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