Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
friends are allowed to bang on New Years, I read it on the Internet somewhere.
sometime during the night he found me in the empty hotttub singing marvins room in only my bra.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
