Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
a kid who worked there came up to me and let me know you were sitting in the bathroom sink. he said it was fine, so i just kept checking on you.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
There was a trampoline and tequila. It was glorious.
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
God specifically crafted these hands to deal out orgasms.
Randomize
