She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
so after 3 days of looking i found the keg...looks like somebody tried burying behind the garage
Well guess who isn't a virgin anymore
guess who isnt wearing pants has a shaving cream beard and is afraid theres no cream cheese in the fridge
the answer to that last one was me. the answer to the first one is you, you sly dog
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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