I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
What i love about my dog is i can lay in bed and masturbate with him at the foot, and he just leaves me alone.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
I can feel the shame as I walk down your hallway.. good night
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
THE SUN DOESNT SET TIL 647 YAAAAASSSSSSSSSS. Goodbye seasonal depression hello regular depression
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