i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He kept humping my leg and whispering "dont worry, thats my phone not my penis"
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
our jesse-walt dynamic is actualy really perfect because i want to start a small time drug empire and you want to get high a lot its very accurate
For not really liking Christmas, I have an astounding amount of holiday-themed lingerie
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
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