He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
As far as figuring life out your talking to a guy that's alternating text messages between his baby mama and a drunk bitch I met tailgating. My best advice is don't worry about shit out of your control and always and I really mean ALWAYS wear a condom.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
GLITTER SLIP N SLIDE MUTHAFUCKAH~
i swear to god if you did anything to my honey bunches ill remove all the oats and shove them up your dickhole then play pinata with my foot to knock them all back out
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
You know getting black out drunk at a cats birthday party should have been my lowest point drinking wise but some how I feel like last night was some how worse
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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