its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
I awoke this morning alone and naked in my bed I forecast my date later not going so well because I have three giant hickies on my neck there is a note next to my bed that looks a 3rd grader wrote it on my college acceptance letter
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Its not that hard to understand he's my holiday boyfriend, we ignore each other most of the year except on holidays when I give him head
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Randomize
