Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
Randomize
