I think my vagina is haunted
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.
Like I had to call my dad because I couldn't manage to unlock the door. And when he got there to open it I was climbing the gate to get in.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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