Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
But you can't tell me I give the best blow jobs and then not break up with your girlfriend who has fucking TMJ! Come on!
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know they deliver ice cream, but do you think I can ask the delivery guy to watch the rest of the movie with me too?
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
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