i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
that's the second time I've made out with him and woken up with my pants stuffed with PBRs I am convinced he's magic
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I panicked i brought burritos. Funeral burritos
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
If you feel frisky later I have a cowboy hat that would look great on you naked...
Who is this......
Randomize
