i feel like i want to date him just so i could be besties with his penis
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Its not that hard, just find a girl reading 50 shades of grey and point her my way
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Randomize
