Am I the only person who thinks Megan Fox looks totally like a Thai lady boy with a serious tanning bed fix?
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Grateful to be alive soliciting dick pics. Thankful i'm alive for these little things and especially these big ones too.
Also, you think turning 23 is bad, I just ran into the guy that gave my chlymidia
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
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