I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?
Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.
Watch for tornadoes.
This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
We should leave before they realize I dumped a bowl of Fritos in your bag just in case I got hungry
Woke up naked with a post-it that said "don't ask questions" on my ass...i know im not supposed to ask but uhm what did I do?
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
Randomize
