theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Well, if I'm gonna go gay, it's gonna be for NPH
Randomize
