Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?
meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.
he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Man, it's really obvious that I was either handcuffed or tied up last night. Either way, not something you'd want coworkers knowing.
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
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