I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
