I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
according to the video, you won you first drunken karaoke contest based off of your actual singing abilities and not because you took your shirt! I've never been prouder :)
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
I just slapped myself in the face with my dildo and I know that's a weird thing to share but I just had to tell to someone omg I'm laughing so hard
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I told the cop I was late for a booty call. He still gave me a ticket but he wrote his number on it
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
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