two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Is it bad to use cherry nyquil as substitute for grenadine? Because i just went there.
Nah, totally cool. It already has the alcohol in it.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
I tried to text you about going to the Lion's Den but sent it to my boss. She was down for it. Please advise.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
You said if the geese can walk on the lake so can I.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Randomize
