So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I'm naked and there are two trees and a yield sign
Be right there
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
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