I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
I had a dream that I had 21 friend requests. it was the best day
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.
She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
You seem like the type to go to a craft sale baked out of your mind. I like you.
Randomize
