Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
That reminds me...we need to get swords
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
This is why Helen Keller didn't drink
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
you should never start the day with a boob text. It can only go downhill from there
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
You drank whiskey for 9 hours and did not eat anything.Nothing good was going to come from that.
Randomize
