hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Breaking into his house to steal the sheets I'd drunk pissed on before he got home was not how I wanted to be spending spring break
Bed, food, and you got really nice boobs. That's it really. Foundations of friendship right there.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Now after not puking, next step is not to do the accent when immigration says "hello."
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