She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
you announced to the whole room that instead of shaving you were planning to start straightening and then braiding your pubes. awkward silence followed by everyone leaving.
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward
Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
I did the crab walk everywhere because I was drunk enough that it was easier than standing up.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
it was like a shit fog rolling out of the east to encompass me and have it's way with me
Looking through last night's sexting, realized one is a haiku..
I hurt myself, but I'm pretty sure I saved the carpet.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
