You smell like stripper and shame
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
woke up this morning with a pool of champagne in my purse. apparently i was saving it for later.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
all i remember was you yelling "look at my little feet" at everyone on the way home from the bar.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
He is sitting on the foor in the soup aisle saying "to each their own soup"
40s are totally the cure
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
How is it that 364 days a year I'm the adult, but on Halloween you completely forget how to have fun and become my grandma?
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
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